Hey man, how’s it going? Ah, that’s good to hear! Me? I’m in a bit of a pickle at the moment. It’s a strange situation and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I kind of boxed myself into a corner here, and I think it has to do with the untold power of the human brain, which like every new and powerful tool handed to us by evolution, is something that can put us a tad further ahead, or can be instrumental to our ruin. I’ve been told that nature more often misses than hits when it shoots. Just think of the enormous possibility space of states of mind one can be in, times the possibility space for biological systems that have minds. It’s a bit depressing, to think of these things, because most of these configurations are probably really bad. Ah, yeah I know I’m going a bit off track here. I was going to tell you about my problem. Well it’s probably inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, you know, but it’s deeply unsettling to me personally!
Look, it all started as a small diversion, a little playfulness of the mind. I’m not even sure whether it was done consciously, which makes it even more grating, seeing how this would mean that this problem of mine was inescapable from the outset. I hate to think that everything that is to happen to us is already set in stone, determinism wasn’t ever really my thing, you know? Yeah I agree, I agree, it might be true. I concede it could be the case that everything is simply the logical and unique follow-up to the thing that happened before it, but even so, better to believe it not to be so! Didn’t anyone tell you about the vital illusion? Man, I’m going way off course again, am I not? You’ll have to pardon me, bud, I haven’t been able to get much sleep these past months, trying to get to the bottom of this whole thing. As you can tell, it leads me to many places, or maybe all over the place, hah, but yeah, consequently I have been forced to read up on a lot of stuff. I’m glad we live in the age of Wikipedia, that I can tell!
Now then, what was I going on about? Ah yeah, my problem. Well it’s this: when I look at girls’ faces, I can’t help but imagine what their fathers’ faces look like. See I told you, it started innocuously as a bit of a diversion, I mean, I’m seeing peoples’ faces everyday, life in general is boring, might as well try some weird stuff that might be entertaining, right? You know when you walk somewhere, and try not to touch the spaces in between the paving stones? Or sitting on the bus, making imaginary jumps over street lights? Oh… you don’t do these things? Guess I’m just weird, huh, haha! You sure though? Hmmm…
Anyhow, I was told that boys tend to look more like their mothers and girls tend to look more like their fathers. Now for the boys part, I can get into that, since the Y-chromosome is shorter than the paired X-chromosome, so there might statistically speaking be just a bit more of mother than father in boys, even ignoring mitochondria. But for girls? Not sure. Seems more like a 50/50 thing to me. But who knows. Also not sure why I bring this up, man. Must be the sleepiness. My brain is making lazy connections right now, know what I mean? It’s not double-checking. Ah, whatever. Thing is, I started to think, at some point, that the males and females in animals do not always look so differently. Sure, there are size differences and colors and stuff, but just think of male and female cats, or ducks. Can you tell from their faces whether they are male or female? I wouldn’t believe you if you said you did! So it’s just because our brains are so finely tuned to recognize the opposite sex of our own species, that the small differences stand out so clearly, that they are to us as clear as the redness of a baboon’s ass. Hah, funny isn’t it? Thought so too!
But objectively, it’s such a small step from female to male… So I started running tests on girls I know and whom I also know the father of, to be able to check my prediction, of course. Here, check this out. See that girl over there? Look at her face. You looking? Just imagine the hair to be short, remove the make-up, make the rounder parts all a bit more rugged, I mean sharpen the corners a little, broaden the chin a little too, oh ehh… thicker eyebrows, there you go. That’s probably how her father looks, right? Could be! Right? Man, I now do this with every girl I meet! And I can’t stop doing it! It’s unsettling, it really fucks up my quality of life, man. Say… say what? Just stop doing it? I wish it was that easy! Listen, look at that billboard over there, can you NOT read it? At some point, that’s just automatic, you trained your brain to instantly turn those shapes into words. Tell you something funny, I actually remember the moment, I was three, when my brain read a word on a billboard automatically, for the first time. It was quite the shock for little me! Before that, I had to put effort into decoding words letter by letter, and suddenly, BANG, there was a word in my mind, effortlessly. I think it was “Kodak”, it was outside of the Antwerp Zoo, on the square. Ah well. Good times. But yeah, I trained myself to see fathers’ faces whenever I see girls, and like with the letters and words, I wouldn’t know how to untrain it. It’s horrible! Can you imagine what sex is like? This little frivolity by now has taken all the lust out of me. It’s even worse with girls in porn, their generally already somewhat lived faces are even easier to process into their male counterparts.
So what’s a guy to do, buddy? How to unlearn something? Is that even really possible? I think in general the way one kicks a bad habit is by replacing it with new and healthy habits. That’s how I kicked the blow, man. Strictly weed for me now, it’s from the earth, you know? But what can this habit be replaced with? NOT doing something isn’t really a habit, right? Like, is 0 really a number? It’s more like, no number, right? Ah never mind, never mind, it’s nothing to do with what I was telling you. Anyway, by the sheer number of times I’ve done this now I have become quite adept at it, and I guess every path towards mastery comes with the uncovering of some facts that were unthought-of before, that surprise us, even. For example, some facial features that appear neutral or even contribute positively to the agreeability of a girl’s face, make for ugly fathers. Like, this girl I picked up a couple weeks ago, she had like a longish face, but she carried it well, the girlish features softened the harshness of it while it added a bit of posh. Could’ve almost been royalty, but her father must’ve been a horse-faced man, if my prediction was correct. See nature is weird an quirky like that. It just keeps trying and trying the weirdest things, doesn’t it? But these small bits of entertainment can’t at all make up for the loss of my capability to enjoy feminine beauty.
Yeah man, I appreciate what you’re saying, it’s cool that you feel that way, bud. I mean, why must life be so tragic, man… Why must all these life choices be so irreversible, and their consequences so harsh? See that is why I like video games, you know? You can save and reload, you can retry and learn from the errors you made before. I’m glad that modern games have more and more automatic checkpoints in them, and that’s the way life should be, too! That’s some philosophical shit right there, huh? But man, why must I be the guy to have configured his brain like this, and not someone else? If I would have read about this I before I tried it I would’ve never done it! But hey, that makes me think about all those people who ate like, poisonous mushrooms for the first time. I guess for every gruesome way to die, someone had to go through it, right? That’s kind of a consoling thought, come to think of it! Guess I should write an article on Medium or something, make sure this knowledge of mine isn’t lost to time. Time… time is so weird, why does it only move forward, huh? What’s driving that? Yeah, I don’t know either. Hey, but I’m going to let you off the hook man, I’ve got an article to write. Gonna blaze a fat one, too! Who knows how many poor souls I will be saving in the future. Nice to see you around, man. Catch ya later!